"“No! I am the vampire prince of Poland! The greatest warrior the UNSC has ever seen! The most intelligent scientist to ever serve the office of naval intelligence!”" |
- Hoe Pointaowski, self-introduction
Overview[]
Hoe Poinatsowki is a recurring character in Diego's Ultimate Harem, he is based off bad tropes in vampire stories, he was originally created in 2019, but was written into the story in 2020.
History[]
Hoe is a protagonist in The Rebuild of Diego and a minor character in The New World Fool. Hoe is an elite in the UNSC, The United Earth Government's army. He is a vampire who was born in the 1600s, who was shunned by his peers because he was an "emo freak", despite looking like he came out of a MCR concert, he was held as the prince of Poland in the 17th century. However, during this time, he did an awful job as king, raging wars against countries simply because they had darker skin than him. However, in 1660, he was exceled from Europe after committing genocide against all blonde people in Europe. Upon his excel, he was determined to conquer a new land, thus, he set sail from digging up a random person's coffin and throwing their body in the ocean. However, he did not make it far, only making a few kilometers before crashing back to shore in 1913. There, he enlisted in the French military in World War 1, where he would not shut up about it to his comrades in the JROTC, and even in the UNSC later when he was picked up by an officer for murdering a group of kindergartners so well. Before he joined the UNSC, he met a women named Audrey Belrose in 2000, and had a child with her after a one night stand. When his child was only 3 years old, he left to go off and join the United Earth Government’s Office of Naval Intelligence During his time in the UNSC, everyone hated Hoe for being extremely obnoxious towards everyone, not shutting up about being in World War 1, despite him being unlikable, he was very good at what he was doing: killing confederate solders. He became so well at it that he even became a mentor for Josuke Higashikata, a civilian contractor. Hoe accidentally faked his death after he crashed into Ragnarok, a confederate machine capable of sealing people's powers away. On earth, everyone thought he was dead, and held him as a war hero, and even got a bronze statue of him in Poland. However, that was not the case, Hoe was shot into orbit, traveling solar system after solar system until he was caught in the gravitational pull of Earth 2. He crashed landed into one of Eden's Gate's compounds, he was originally going to be killed, before Joseph8276 allows him as an elite (because he hates swag). There, he cloned himself using the Confederates technology that the cult stole from a small PMC, to throw Deus Ex Machina off track of their goals of stopping the cult. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Hoe instead stole classified information from the cult, and gave it to the UEG, though he decided to share it with Tohru Adachi of Deus Ex Machina, for they were both fighting against a common enemy: Joseph Seed, Eden's Gate's leader.
Quotes[]
Hoe: “Alright! Do you know who I am!?”
Josuke: “No...”
Chocla: “An alcoholic single father who’s wife divorced him after he caught her sleeping with other men...”
Hoe: “No! I am the vampire king of Poland! The greatest warrior the UNSC has ever seen! The most intelligent scientist to ever serve the office of naval intelligence!”
Chocla: “Were really bringing up ONI? They transferred you here after they found out you lied about your credentials...”
Hoe: “They asked what I knew about theoretical physics! I said I had a theoretical degree in physics!”
Hoe: “And so what! I graduated from a prestigious military academy.”
Chocla: “You were in JROTC in middle school... and you failed the course.”
Hoe: “Get off my bridge! Damn succubus!”
Chocla: “This isn’t even the bridge! And I out rank you!”
Hoe: “Shut up Ho!”
-Hoe having an inner conflict with his insecurities while talking to Chcola
"What?! This is a Sol-Class Command Carrier, one of the bigger star ships ever created! This is the most powerful Star ship in this solar system! Have you ever looked into the sky?! This thing is huge!"
-Hoe describing how large the ship they're in is.
Hoe: “Please, I’ve done plenty of that, one time, me and my brother Drawde got into a fight with a couple of young punks and it got bloody...”
Marine: “They were just kindergarteners man, you really didn’t need to threaten them with that cinder block, they probably wouldn’t have kicked you in the nuts if you didn’t either...”
Hoe: “Shut up....Damn...”
-Hoe lying about his past to Josuke
"Oh, what I want? I suppose to fulfill my duties as a UEG member, even though working for them is quite boring, but it's the only thing I get paid in. They informed me that Westcott of DEM was the largest PMC on Earth 2, and they wanted me to try and reveal what the cult was planning. but of course I couldn't just go to you guys and tell you it, because you would call bullshit and shoot me in the face!"
-Hoe revealing his true intentions