User blog:TheIkranRider/Starfox Assault: Worst Starfox Game Ever!

Well, here goes another video game rant; one I've been saving for a rainy day. Only this time, it's the worst Starfox game I have ever played, their second GameCube installment, Starfox Assault. Let's start with its humble beginnings, shall we?

It all started in 2005 when I first saw the trailer, on Valentine's Day no less! I believe it was Spike TV, I could be wrong, but the ad itself just blew my mind!! I was in shock and wonderment as I saw the first few seconds, when some Redcoat horsemen had been blown away by aerial bombs, and I got the message, "The hunters are now the hunted." When I saw it was a new Starfox game, I instantly became fascinated with it, If you want to see the trailer, here's the link:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-bIIA…

My brothers and I eventually got it later that year, and I remember the three of us taking turns to get as far as possible into the game. The presentation, as in the aesthetics, were pretty good, very stellar for GameCube standards; however, this is where the positives end here.

My first gripe about this game was the dialogue and voice acting. I really was expecting the characters to be as flamboyant as they were in the previous games, but sadly this wasn't necessarily the case. General Pepper wasn't as urgent nor fun to listen to like he used to be. Idk if it was because they've chosen the wrong actor, since the cast is often inconsistent, but his voice was very shallow, as were the other roles. Falco seemed to have his regular hotheadedness, Slippy's voice was deeper which was better than those nasally voices but still weak in delivery, and so were Krystal and, especially, Fox! Damn, the leader of the team was also the leader of letdown! Even when the mood calls for it, his expression never seems to have changed at all! For hollering out loud, he was just pathetic to follow, and NEVER as decent as his other memorable voice actors in 64 nor Adventures! While the latter may be flagged a lot, you got to admit the delivery, expressions, and voices are par compared to these dull anthropomorphics! Almost like those irritatingly boring characters in Sonic 06. The Star Wolf team's nothing to please, either, not even with Panther, nor their theme song.

Speaking of theme songs, that's another issue. I've heard that every track of the game is actually orchestrated, which I'm sure takes tons more effort than creating them digitally or synthesizing them. It was as if John Williams composed these numbers, as I had imagined. But again, I was weighed down by its lackluster performances. Look, the intro was awesome, as was the Menu Select, the battle mode in Katina (as well as its main theme in the single player campaign), and even Sauria's, the boss' theme, the Aparoids, even Corneria's invasion. Unfortunately, this is where it ends. The absolute worst numbers I'd heard were the aforementioned Star Wolf theme; I was so damned anxious on switching over to the ORIGINAL from 64, on how fast-paced and intense it was, even the mission at Fichina. As too was the rearrangement of the snowy planet itself... Not quite matches with the previous version. Same thing goes with the Sector Y theme for the hideout. I've always yearned to hear the tracks I grew up and loved as a kid, not this sorely boring crap! No offense to the band, but they could've put more emphasis on their work like they did with other exciting songs.

Also, this was the game that made that sudden change of location; where Planet Fortuna was supposed to be called Planet Fichina due to its vicious blizzards and its tundra terrain. I thought the introduction of this new world, as well as setting the records straight on renaming the first planet, was a nice touch honestly.

Another problem was the gameplay. I'm not necessarily counting the vehicle portions, as they were fun to use. But mostly, it's the Landmaster, as I found the Arwings to be clunky and just as slow like Mario with his Wing Cap in certain levels; they were never as thrilling nor immersive as the previous titles. Also, I was hoping for the Blue Marine to make a slight appearance, but I guess people never wanted it due to Aquas' difficulty, so I guess that's a little nitpick. The most unsettling was the stiff movements while Fox (and others in Battle Mode) were on foot; I know this was supposed to introduce a new third-person-shooter style, yet I still think it's not as exciting nor freely smooth as Adventures. Yeah, I'll defend that Metroid clone till the day I die since its predecessor makes THIS a lot more inferior in terms of gameplay, music, as well as character delivery. Even when it comes down to the most glaring issue in this atrocity, the plot!

What is the plot of this hot mess? Basically, it takes place one year after the events of Starfox Adventures, and Krystal's now a full-fledged member of Starfox who actually replaces Peppy Hare who acts like an indirect assistant. I thought it was really nice since they gave her a bigger role, but I never understood why she'd be a telepath, as she never functioned like this in Adventures. So, this was all new and awkward to me. And I believe that Data or Counselor Troi would do a far better act. And while I'm on the subject of Star Trek, I've yet to label the biggest, most asinine thing I'd endured in Assault. Their own Big Bad, the Aparoids!

In case you don't know, these pesky, endlessly replicating insects were a new threat to the Lylat System. They were run by the Queen in her own distant planet, which has never been brought up again in future installments. Their function? Assimilate all organic lifeforms and technology they come across! Oh yeah, that kind of sounds familiar and unimpressive, almost as much as the Metarex from Sonic X, as they'd introduced newer villains replacing the more awesome Andross and General Scales. This was a far cry from them, lightyears away! And the most underwhelming thing was, they act very much like Borg knockoffs: always consuming/controlling their victims to become perfect, dominating lifeforms both in body and brain; linked in some collective hive mind; always manipulating their friends and keep on saying how futile resistance is; and they multiply nonstop, even as hatchlings, especially on That One Level which I'll get to shortly. But bottom line, I'd already seen Star Trek: First Contact during my birthday in January, I'd already experienced Picard's transformation as Locutus of Borg as WELL as encountering the Queen, and we'd went far passed Star Trek: Voyager in which the Borg were the driving force of the show as USS Voyager goes home from the Delta Quadrant!! Why in God's name would they pick such dumb, unimpressive, uninspiring Borg ripoffs disguised only as mutated insects!? Oh, WOW!! THAT, I'm sure, is probably the biggest offense to all hardcore sci-fi fans, especially Trekkies, even myself! Even worse, is that Metroid Fusion was released one year prior, and even THAT has a better concept with the frightening SA-X and X-Parasites!

Well, I guess this is what you'd expect from that genius, Shigeru Miyamoto, here!!

And as another tidbit, it's partner organization was Namco, which I think is only responsible for the inclusion of its archaic game developed more than 20 years ago!! In order to get Xevious, you need to collect all "Friendship Flags" in every single level. They may seem linear, but those flags can be incredibly hard to find! Then again, it's kind of pointless since gamers could easily get it on say, a PSP Namco Museum reboot. Never really cared about the length, either, as the first two games would also be completed within less than an hour taking one route alone.

The F-Zero series was dwindling, and since the huge standardized state test was coming up during my junior year, I needed like a new muse. It was a sheer disappointment that Starfox Assault didn't meet my expectations as a great game as 64 nor Adventures, at least not for long. And more regretfully, Sauria was the farthest I've ever gotten, as the hatchlings were so difficult to find, and they'd kept on reproducing at an alarming rate and kept overrunning Sauria. Plus, I find it to be a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment while the retrieved data they got from the demised Pigma (GOOD RIDDANCE!!) led them toward the Queen's vile nest, until Krystal in her own mind intervened and detoured the gang to Dinosaur Planet instead. Just a stupid homage, I guess.

The clumsiness of controls, the dull soundtrack, the stupid minigame, the characters and their deliveries, and especially the worthless story and the less intimidating Borg knockoffs all f%$&ing SUCK!! I would never recommend a newer gamer this atrocity! In fact, I never got a chance to try Command nor Zero, but after experiencing this unmotivating "Best Seller," do I even want to? Apparently, Adventures was just the last hurrah for me in the series, and that was a black eye in the franchise as well as my own fun! Like I said, I'll never stop defending Adventures as my favorite installment, nor Fanfictiondreamer would as her all-time favorite game, but it's quite ironic that Assault was Abysmal soon after that was released. Say what you will about the copy-paste remake of 64, or Command, or even that atrocious Zero, but it's no doubt, in my opinion, the worst Starfox game ever!